This past weekend I attended the IRL Peak Antifreeze 300 at the great Chicagoland Speedway. I was shocked and amazed when I was on my way to get a hot dog and I ran into one of the biggest names in music, Gene Simmons. The following is an account of our conversation:

Dan Halen: So, I heard you fooled around with a lot of women?

Gene Simmons: Yes, lots of women, all the time, beautiful women.

DH: Who was the best?

GS: Oh, some fluzie I met named Kiana.

DH: No way, did she have a boyfriend?

GS: Yeah, but it didn’t matter, she was chubby.

DH: It didn’t matter to me either dude.

At this point we gave each other high fives.

DH: Gene, you’re such a rad dude.

DH: So you really like racing?

GS: Actually, I like the sponsors and all of the money that can be made since I’m Gene Simmons and I would sell my grandma’s ashes if I could.

DH: That’s a given…so do you always walk around with poorly kept hair and a stupid hat?

GS: Yes.

DH: What do you think about Danica Patrick?

GS: I think it’s awesome for women, she’s a great driver. Easy on the eyes too.

DH: So, back to the women, you’re married to Shannon Tweed, I saw her in one of my Dad’s Playboys he has stashed away from the 80’s. She’s got talent.

GS: Yes, she is a babe.

DH: Your son is 18 now; do you think it would be weird if he saw her naked pictures?

GS: Yes, what the hell kind of stupid question is that?

DH: So what do you think about the Tigers?

GS: They’re doing well this year, but I wish they didn’t attract so many bandwagon fans.

At this point Gene smelled someone’s cigarette smoke from around the corner, and ducked down to the ground.

GS: Smoke is bad for the skin, it clogs the pores.

DH: Yeah, I’m more worried about the whole lung thing.

GS: Cigarettes are gross Dan, I hate them. I hate when I’m eating a BLT and some asshole lights up a smoke. I mean honestly a smoking section doesn’t prevent smoke from circulating around the restaurant.

DH: I agree. I work for this website called dropthehate.com, where we defend things; cigarette smoke would be a karma killer, something that cannot be defended and we all agree is horrible.

GS: Wow, that website sounds awesome; I bet you guys get paid well.

DH: Yeah, about $15g’s a week.

GS: Wow, what do you drive?

DH: A Ford Focus.

GS: Yeah, that’s about the right car-to-class bracket.

Police come over to me because I have a sweet beard and are scared that I can take all of them out, so they start walking Gene away.

GS: Good luck with your website.

DH: Thanks Gene. Good luck with the beautiful babies.

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