Rainbows and Dirtstaches - The Defense of Jeff Gordon

Nothing says NASCAR to me like rainbows. I know that you probably think I’m being sarcastic, and I’m not, I’m talking about the legend that is Jeff Gordon, #24, the Rainbow Warrior, a man who is widely regarded as the anti-Christ south of the Mason-Dixon Line. I will never understand this, as he is to NASCAR what Paul Simon is to Simon and Garfunkel. The whole friggin show.

But that is just my opinion, which differs greatly from many in the NASCAR community. So, we took it to the streets, like we always do, to see what the public had to say. We visited the Chicagoland Motor Speedway to ask loyal NASCAR fans what they thought of Mr. Gordon. Here are the top 5 responses:

• “He sucks, he is not even good.”
• “He doesn’t have a mustache. I don’t trust a driver without a mustache.”
• “His sponsors suck! I hate the way his car looks.”
• “I think he is gay. Look at his rainbow car.”
• “He is a big baby and a wuss on the track.”

According to our little survey, it is safe to say that there is definitely some hostility surrounding JG. Let’s break it down and examine these different claims.

First, let’s look at his stats:

2001 Winston Cup Champion

1998 Winston Cup Champion

1997 Winston Cup Champion

1995 Winston Cup Champion

1993 Rookie of the Year

Named one of NASCAR’s 50 Greatest Drivers (1998)

Those stats don’t lie son. Winning a Winston Cup Championship is like winning a MVP or championship in any sport. Michael Jordan won 5 MVP’s, so Gordon’s basically one Cup short of Jordan, in terms of personal dominance. And Jeff Gordon is only 35 years old, which mean he has got a lot of time left to race. Only Dale Earnhardt, god bless his soul, and Darrel Waltrip have more wins than Gordon’s 75 career victories.

Why is Jeff Gordon so hated on? Is it because he doesn’t have a kick ass mustache? Well, research shows that at one point he rocked one of the meanest staches in the business.

And was sponsored by Jolly Rancher, which gives him a free pass to heaven OR whatever place you believe in. Look at that gorgeous woman he’s with, in 1991 you’d be hard pressed to find a girl who looked like that.

Anyway, back to the point. Is he hated on because he drives a rainbow car, and rainbows are a symbol of gay pride? Well, probably. I cannot justify this, and JG don’t care, the man has made $19.3 million in endorsements in the last 2 years alone. That’s 1093 times more than the GNP of Mississippi. And guess what, all those gay jokes about him driving a rainbow car don’t detour the beautiful babies, as he is engaged to super model Ingrid Vandebosch, heyyyyyyoooooo.

*I think “Che” means, “Hey, I like Jeff Gordon, rainbow cars ROCK, let’s do some SKOAL!”

Don’t hate the player either. JG will bust you up if you get in his way. He will turn you loose, even if it hurts him. I have talked to the man, and he said the only reason people watch NASCAR is for a wicked sweet crash. See Exhibit F.

Exhibit F.

So, the next time you wear your official Jeff Gordon racing jacket and hat, you tell those guys making fun of you that Jeff Gordon snags supermodels, was an original mustache wearer, is a multi-millionaire, and will spin your ass out.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 21st, 2006 at 7:39 pm and is filed under Featured Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

5 Responses to “Rainbows and Dirtstaches - The Defense of Jeff Gordon”

1. Brian Says:
   July 14th, 2007 at 4:07 pm

   I’ve visited this site several times and I’m still waiting for
   some Gordon-hater to come up with a legitimate reason why he
   deserves to be so unpopular. He’s won 4 Cup championships,
   nearly 80 races, has a gorgeous wife and daughter, given away
   millions of dollars to charity, opened up his own “Jeff Gordon
   Children’s Hospital,” he’s a clean racer, he congratulates his
   rivals when they win, he doesn’t criticize the morons who
   throw beer bottles at him when he does his victory lap at
   Talledega (”I appreciate their enthusiasm” is a direct quote),
   and has done more for NASCAR’s current popularity than any
   other driver, hands down (even basketball great Charles Barkley
   said he would not have been a NASCAR fan would it not have
   been for Jeff Gordon). The only things I hear from these
   Gordon-haters are the same ol’ immature, generic one-liners
   like, “Gordon’s an asshole,” or, “Jeff is definitely gay.”
   What is wrong with you people? Are you so blinded by your
   loyalty to the redneck image that you can’t accept a
   clean-shaven driver from California who can speak with some
   articulation? And what about Dale Jr. who will be Gordon’s
   teammate next season? You gonna hate him too because he and
   Gordon will draft each other to win at Daytona? If you want
   to hate Gordon, that’s your right…but at least come up with
   a reason that makes sense why you hate him. All this “Well,
   because he’s an asshole” is incredibly childish.

2. Sir Solar Says:
   July 15th, 2007 at 7:02 pm

   wow…well said. i’m on the fence. halen, what do you have to say for yourself, or for jeff, now??

3. Brian Says:
   July 24th, 2007 at 11:15 pm

   Sir Solar:
   Appreciate your comments.
   So who is Halen? Hey, Halen…sounds like Sir Solar is challenging
   you to come up with a LEGITIMATE reason why Gordon deserves to be
   boo’ed every time he is introduced at driver’s introductions at every
   racetrack he goes to (except the Brickyard at Indianapolis). I’m not a biased
   person…I began following NASCAR in the mid-90’s, and I wasn’t sure who I
   was going to choose as my favorite driver. I observed each driver and I wanted to
   choose a winner…that driver was, without question, Jeff Gordon. To this day,
   I do not know why he is hated so much, except perhaps for the status quo reason
   that he is not a Southern-born, inarticulate redneck. All this nonsense I hear about
   him being gay because his first racecar paint scheme’s color was a RAINBOW reveals
   incredible shallowness of thought. The rainbow refected DUPONT’S color variety rather
   than Gordon’s sexual propensities, you poor, prejudiced people. GORDON IS THE BEST
   DRIVER IN NASCAR TODAY…if anyone disagrees, please provide me with factual evidence…
   not your stupid comments like, “Gordon’s an asshole.”

4. Mark Says:
   October 24th, 2007 at 12:57 am

   Richard Petty also has more wins, the most of any driver, in fact

5. Sir Solar Says:
   January 14th, 2008 at 10:16 pm

   wow, halen, you better step up. in your defense, but not because i want to defend you, it should be noted that the article ends with “So, the next time you wear your official Jeff Gordon racing jacket and hat, you tell those guys making fun of you that Jeff Gordon snags supermodels, was an original mustache wearer, is a multi-millionaire, and will spin your ass out.” to me, that sounds like he may be giving gordon some props.

   if hulk hogan was a racer, i think he would partner with gordon. or at least they would be boys. that really says a lot. when addressing jeff in a speech, he would definitely end it with “…brother!”. another thing to ponder: if hulk had a car, would the car have a mustache? jeff should grow a good handlebar. im not a fan but that would make me more of a fan. and ya know what? jeff gordon could definitely beat up howie mandel.

   i went to a few races when i was younger. i had a sweet purple ‘joe camel’ sweater. i rocked that all the time. do one of you guys knows who the driver of that car was?

   gordon is the best driver in nascar today.

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